those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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