So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
