I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
