you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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