Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
