I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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