How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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