the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
should my penis look like a turkey
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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