I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
