Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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