this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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