I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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