I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
