Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
