I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm getting married
To pizza
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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