Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
