apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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