Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
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It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
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I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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