I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Randomize
