i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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