today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
