Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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