Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Randomize
