I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
