the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
