Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
