I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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