If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
