you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
