he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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