Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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