I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
