Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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