I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
