so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
