he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
