Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
