I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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