he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
