It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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