Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
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my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
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I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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