Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
