There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
