Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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