so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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