I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Randomize
