You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
