dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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