I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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