So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
