I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
