I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
