Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
