she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
