when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
