You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
