i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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