can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
