): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
