Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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